I freeze....

..when I witness abuse. As mild as word abuse (bosses raising voices, mothers scolding their children in public, the works) I freeze. Physical abuse is much worse. When I witness some punches thrown out or some kind of
malicious shoving and pushing, I suddenly feel myself moving to another planet.. I can't move, my mind stays blank, I hear screams in the background amidst fuzzy images. My heart beats fast, I feel goosebumps, I sweat and I tremble with fear.

I fear those because I got beaten senseless many times and heard some very nasty remarks from relatvies sometime ago. When I was a child, I think. And I still feel it everytime I witness some.

I hate parents who beat their children. I hate teachers who beat their students. I hate husbands who hit their wives. I don't like siblings who hurt each other (but I think this happens all the time).

But sometimes, I am one of them. I think I hit my sister a long time ago when we were still kids, out of anger. And I still regret it, until now.

I try hard to make up with my brothers and sisters now. I fight hard to stay calm when I'm angry (anger management, hehehehe). I restrain myself when I
felt like hitting somebody (strait jacket! hehehe).

I hope I'd be a good parent. I'm practicing with my sister's baby, and I think I'm spoiling her. I'm a little glad I'm away from home now (though I miss her very much) because I might have spoiled her to death if I were home with them all the time.